It's all good.

I've been fairly lazy today, in school I was half asleep. I'm not proud and I know fully well I could have payed more attention but then again I continue to blame Adam. Yesterday he messaged me on kik around 10pm just before I planned to have a shower, 5 hours later I am still sitting on my bed wrapped in a towel messaging him. The latest I'm meant to stay up on a school night is 1:30am. So much for time management, but then again I was also to blame but I was being careless. I possibly may have learnt my lesson depending on whether or not he decides to message me.

I probably have a few homeworks waiting to be completed, again with time management I suck. I keep going out and not checking my organizer. I was so unorganized today I forgot my pencil case. I'm going try a get back on track but sometimes I forget that I need to grow up. I'm so paranoid I'm going to mess up in all of my subjects but I don't see why considering I have high targets but then again I wonder as to whether I will reach them.

I kind of still have a cold, not as bad. I guess I'm ignoring it like I am my leg which really hurts like hell. I'm not sure whether I mentioned about my leg but yep I have a bad leg and it's really annoying. My own fault but I seriously wasn't expecting this much trouble. I've been limping for the past week and now I actually can't be fucked so I force it upon myself to walk properly with the occasional limp.

Singing is going well for me, I have a performance thing next Saturday I think. I guess I can practice for it during singing lessons. I seem to be more interested in my personal life than my school life. I seriously need to turn that around, I just want to be more prepared not lazy. I guess I really can't help it since lazy is my nature. If school didn't exist my days would be short lived in my bed.

I need to straighten my hair since it's gone all curly but luckily today I got to have a shower. I can't be bothered to straighten it though, it takes from like 30-60 minutes. I haven't got time for it. Right now I'll probably check on homework, do it and then do my hair. Or the other way round in which I will do my hair but instead of doing homework I will fall asleep on my bed. Homework first, hair later.
Anyway have to go now, I'll update soon.
Later.

I have a cold :(

So far, it's been ok. I've been sad, crying, thinking but oh well I guess. I've been missing my dad, Feisali, Halima and mother. I miss them too much; now to the extent I can burst into tears throughout the middle of the day. I have a bad record of managing stress, usually I result in doing something that I will regret but sometimes I can think of them and how I'm going to see them on the weekend and stop myself. They are in Africa for another month. Apart from dad he's leaving Africa tomorrow. I'm so excited but at the same time I worried about what he'll say. Through out the time he was gone I ended up in hospital. Last time when he came back from Africa he claimed to be disappointed of me and it broke me down.  I don't want this year to be the same.

School has been great, I started my singing lessons today. So far no detention, no lateness and all homework. I'm proud. I'm struggling in some senses but most of it so far has been pretty straightforward. I'm supposed to be doing homework but I will do it, I'll have to bring it downstairs since there is something actually really interesting on TV. I know you shouldn't do your homework in front of the TV but then again as long as it gets done I wouldn't worry about it. Singing lessons were amazing, I'm not used to it it's kind of scary. I'm used to singing and warming up in a group or perhaps by myself in a room. Not on my own in front of someone. It was so straightforward, I was so scared that I was going to do something wrong but I felt fine. As usual I chickened out on the high notes but I don't push myself in front of people but then again I have to remember she's there to help. 

Have I mentioned I have a crush? Well for me it's fairly normal until it comes to that depressing side. You know? He'll never want me, I'm ugly, I don't deserve him etc. I shouldn't even be worrying about boys, not at 14 but it's all part of this wonderful generation.  Well I've had more than one, I wonder why he stands out the most, I fell for his personality, looks was a bonus, he's nice, he's funny, he's caring and he probably would never go out with me. How do people have types? Like what kind of types? Does he have a type? I haven't I just go with the flow and whoever catches my attention keeps my attention. I guess with this time it's him, I'm not announcing his name on the internet though. I guess he makes me feel happy but at the same time that whole thing just depresses me. I just can't see it, I can love him and meet up with him all I want but he wouldn't fall for me. I practically repel boys.

Tomorrow I have Performing Arts. I haven't even brought my homework down. I do have a while left to do it but taking chances isn't always the best way to go. Random fact: I love the taste of cough mixture.

I love writing, I get to chance the subject as many times as I want and no one complains. I seem to write like I talk accept my writing is slightly more accurate than talking. People don't like it when I change the subject but I can't help it after all it's in my nature.

Anyway going back to homework and TV shall update soon :P 

I'm back.

I apologise on behalf of my last post. I was in a bad place and decided to stop using this blog but why should I stop something for the sake of other people? I mean technically this is mine, no one else's why should I care what anyone else thinks? I guess back then I cared to much what everyone else thought, it hasn't been long since then but I have changed quite a lot. For a start I don't believe in stopping what I want to do for the sake of anyone else, if I want to do something I will do it regardless of whether or not they like it or not. I'm working for my future and writing in school and speak the truth only if I feel it's necessary. I'm occasionally honest but it usually depends on my mood and who I'm talking to. I usually just like decide at the moment someone asks me or beforehand. I'm in Year 10 now, I'm still with CAMHS actually working stuff out now, people have a better understanding of what it's like which I'm happy about.

I'm not better, but I'm getting there. I mean I can write and do work like a normal person. I wear my scars out and I don't give two about what anyone has to say. I'm more confident when it comes to speaking up and I'm just trying to be a better person in general. Well a better person when it comes to me having company and working towards my future. I'm the same, some bits I'm different and other bits I'm worse but oh well I guess. I'm still suicidal, I still self harm and I still have problems with my mental health. My body's a bit messed up all I have to do is learn to manage it. I can't cope with distress honestly it's horrible. Like seriously I can just look at a piece of homework stress about it but at the same time I have to be careful because I can't put up with the stress like it feels unbearable so I have to try and distract myself which is why last year I struggled to do homework since because I already couldn't write the whole idea of it just stressed me out so now I kind of have to deal with especially being in Year 10. There are so many more expectations and things I'm working for since I'm currently in bottom English and since I have a passion for writing I don't find it very acceptable but it's slightly fair due to the fact I hardly did any work last year but then again it isn't since I couldn't do any. Now in English I'm pushing myself to be moved up. I'm still in top maths and top languages. Now I just need to work hard in Performing Arts and Music my two options. I have a passion for music and I honestly can't live without it. Literally before I was a fan but didn't listen to it all the time but now I swear I hardly go without it. Every day I fall asleep to the radio, wake up to the radio, listen to it while I get ready, listen to music when I go to school, when I come home. I'm pretty much addicted. Not forgetting I sing, and I write and well music is now practically my life.

Anyway felt like a rant, now I'll just read through my past posts since I've only read the last one anyway I still have a lot left to say.
Later.