It's actually freezing...

Well, what's been going on? A lot honestly. Trying to stay clean from self harm and the rest. Had a fairly stressful week. I should probably try to use the weekend to my advantage. I'm currently listening to music and chilling out in the living room. The weather has now currently took a turn for the worst, now I've actually realized how I wasted the majority of good weather and now am suffering the consequences of the typical shitty weather of Britain. Everything may possibly be getting back on track but I guess only time will tell considering this time last week I could barely stand up only since I was under the influence of alcohol which probably decreases my level of responsibility but then again I am 14 so I don't see why people have such high expectations. But then again I did kind of go against the law but not like it's the first time. Anyway enough said.

For a start me and Shania went to an amazing concert at Thekla. We went to see Heather Peace and it was actually hilarious, I had a great night as well as Shania. The only thing I regret is wearing a skirt considering I was freezing half to death and the wind wasn't really in my favour, well our favour considering I forced Shania into wearing a dress which she admittedly looked gorgeous in but she has no idea how pretty she actually is. I still have a massive crush on Crystal and we are also good friends as are Shania and Crystal. I'm not going to go into my current situation but it is kind of on a personal level and I don't think either of them would appreciate me ranting on about them on the internet even though I kind of already have.

I need to write more songs... My target for the end of the year was 100 and I've only just got past 70. I've currently been disowned by my dad for my little Halloween which I recall as last Friday. I have been disowned simply since I got drunk therefore disappointed my father such a great deal he now refuses to have anything to do with me which is pleasant. My bad for getting drunk but it just adds to my long list of life experiences and also possibly future regrets. I don't have many regrets since I'm learning to process things a bit better which I am terrible but again it can't hurt to try. I wonder if today I'll actually be trying to get to sleep because I'm actually tired and rather not because I'm going through a tough time and can't process it. For the record suicidal thoughts or just feeling suicidal in general. Literally it's quite annoying when you hate the sound of your breathing when you actually can't help it and how you get up in the morning and wished you didn't or even go to sleep and not want to wake up. But hey ho I guess it's life. I'm not really sure how I can refer to it as that considering it's not enjoyable living it but I guess I kind of have to make do.

I'm actually getting tired but I don't want to go to sleep at this time since it's quite early for me and it's a Friday night. Me going to bed at this time is fairly sad. But I am actually quite tired so I might actually go to sleep or just go upstairs because I have nothing better to do.

Later.

Been a while.

So for a start, I tend not to talk to Adam anymore. I gave up and all I can say is thank god for that, Seriously me liking him just caused me so much shit, I should have given up at the start. But the main reason I gave up on him is because I found someone else. So who's the guy? Well it's not a guy, well it's a girl. I'm bisexual, I don't think I admitted this on here but yes now I'm pretty open about it. Me and her actually did go out, so she was my girlfriend ahh it was amazing. So what happened? Well basically we're having personal issues and agreed that trying to keep track of a relationship as well as personal stress wouldn't work. I'll just say her first name like Adam, her name is Crystal.

I've actually always loved that name. Crystal. I just loved it, every single time I wrote a story I wanted the main character to be called Crystal. I was addicted to the name. When I was younger I used to change my first name to my favourite names, and Crystal was one of them. I just love the name so much. It's beautiful, like her. Wow am I being cringy now? We aren't going out now but we are actually great friends, like seriously me, her, Brad, Tia, Chloe, Sam, Shania and Charlie usually go out like everyday. Well more just me, her, Brad, Tia and Chloe, it just depends on who can come out. I love them all they're amazing. I've probably mentioned Shania before, my best friend. I honestly couldn't ask for a better friend she's amazing!!! Have I mentioned Chanel? She is my other best friend, I haven't seen her much cause she doesn't go to my school and because I'm out with the rest after school. I honestly love going out with them, it's such a laugh. Apart from the drama, but we usually get around it depending on what it is. The amount of drama so far this week has actually surprised me, I never knew so much could happen in three days.

I have so far been late once, I blame my bed. It's actually amazing, well in the morning. At night I'm constantly shivering, I guess winters on it's way. This year I have actually paid no attention to Halloween. Usually I'd be making all these plans but I actually can't be assed. I guess I'll ask around, I'm not too old for it. I guess it's fun to collect sweets from strangers once a year. All that matters for me is the sweets.

I currently have £20. What to spend it on? It's not much I guess but it's still here. I might need it for the weekend considering Shania wants me to come with her to town.

I feel like I'm pushing my friends away but then again I have really bad time management. I'll make plans and forget about everything else. Seriously I have to sort this shit out!!! Sorry I'm a bit hyper and at the same time a bit bored. Aha I need to wash my hair so I have no idea what I'm doing because honestly I'm meant to be in the shower. Oh well I have until 10pm to go out and I'm not taking my chances thinking I'll be able to stay up after that because I'm usually always knackered which is why my homework is really bad at the moment. I'll sort it out after the holidays but I'll see what I can do between this week and next.

Later. 

It's all good.

I've been fairly lazy today, in school I was half asleep. I'm not proud and I know fully well I could have payed more attention but then again I continue to blame Adam. Yesterday he messaged me on kik around 10pm just before I planned to have a shower, 5 hours later I am still sitting on my bed wrapped in a towel messaging him. The latest I'm meant to stay up on a school night is 1:30am. So much for time management, but then again I was also to blame but I was being careless. I possibly may have learnt my lesson depending on whether or not he decides to message me.

I probably have a few homeworks waiting to be completed, again with time management I suck. I keep going out and not checking my organizer. I was so unorganized today I forgot my pencil case. I'm going try a get back on track but sometimes I forget that I need to grow up. I'm so paranoid I'm going to mess up in all of my subjects but I don't see why considering I have high targets but then again I wonder as to whether I will reach them.

I kind of still have a cold, not as bad. I guess I'm ignoring it like I am my leg which really hurts like hell. I'm not sure whether I mentioned about my leg but yep I have a bad leg and it's really annoying. My own fault but I seriously wasn't expecting this much trouble. I've been limping for the past week and now I actually can't be fucked so I force it upon myself to walk properly with the occasional limp.

Singing is going well for me, I have a performance thing next Saturday I think. I guess I can practice for it during singing lessons. I seem to be more interested in my personal life than my school life. I seriously need to turn that around, I just want to be more prepared not lazy. I guess I really can't help it since lazy is my nature. If school didn't exist my days would be short lived in my bed.

I need to straighten my hair since it's gone all curly but luckily today I got to have a shower. I can't be bothered to straighten it though, it takes from like 30-60 minutes. I haven't got time for it. Right now I'll probably check on homework, do it and then do my hair. Or the other way round in which I will do my hair but instead of doing homework I will fall asleep on my bed. Homework first, hair later.
Anyway have to go now, I'll update soon.
Later.

I have a cold :(

So far, it's been ok. I've been sad, crying, thinking but oh well I guess. I've been missing my dad, Feisali, Halima and mother. I miss them too much; now to the extent I can burst into tears throughout the middle of the day. I have a bad record of managing stress, usually I result in doing something that I will regret but sometimes I can think of them and how I'm going to see them on the weekend and stop myself. They are in Africa for another month. Apart from dad he's leaving Africa tomorrow. I'm so excited but at the same time I worried about what he'll say. Through out the time he was gone I ended up in hospital. Last time when he came back from Africa he claimed to be disappointed of me and it broke me down.  I don't want this year to be the same.

School has been great, I started my singing lessons today. So far no detention, no lateness and all homework. I'm proud. I'm struggling in some senses but most of it so far has been pretty straightforward. I'm supposed to be doing homework but I will do it, I'll have to bring it downstairs since there is something actually really interesting on TV. I know you shouldn't do your homework in front of the TV but then again as long as it gets done I wouldn't worry about it. Singing lessons were amazing, I'm not used to it it's kind of scary. I'm used to singing and warming up in a group or perhaps by myself in a room. Not on my own in front of someone. It was so straightforward, I was so scared that I was going to do something wrong but I felt fine. As usual I chickened out on the high notes but I don't push myself in front of people but then again I have to remember she's there to help. 

Have I mentioned I have a crush? Well for me it's fairly normal until it comes to that depressing side. You know? He'll never want me, I'm ugly, I don't deserve him etc. I shouldn't even be worrying about boys, not at 14 but it's all part of this wonderful generation.  Well I've had more than one, I wonder why he stands out the most, I fell for his personality, looks was a bonus, he's nice, he's funny, he's caring and he probably would never go out with me. How do people have types? Like what kind of types? Does he have a type? I haven't I just go with the flow and whoever catches my attention keeps my attention. I guess with this time it's him, I'm not announcing his name on the internet though. I guess he makes me feel happy but at the same time that whole thing just depresses me. I just can't see it, I can love him and meet up with him all I want but he wouldn't fall for me. I practically repel boys.

Tomorrow I have Performing Arts. I haven't even brought my homework down. I do have a while left to do it but taking chances isn't always the best way to go. Random fact: I love the taste of cough mixture.

I love writing, I get to chance the subject as many times as I want and no one complains. I seem to write like I talk accept my writing is slightly more accurate than talking. People don't like it when I change the subject but I can't help it after all it's in my nature.

Anyway going back to homework and TV shall update soon :P 

I'm back.

I apologise on behalf of my last post. I was in a bad place and decided to stop using this blog but why should I stop something for the sake of other people? I mean technically this is mine, no one else's why should I care what anyone else thinks? I guess back then I cared to much what everyone else thought, it hasn't been long since then but I have changed quite a lot. For a start I don't believe in stopping what I want to do for the sake of anyone else, if I want to do something I will do it regardless of whether or not they like it or not. I'm working for my future and writing in school and speak the truth only if I feel it's necessary. I'm occasionally honest but it usually depends on my mood and who I'm talking to. I usually just like decide at the moment someone asks me or beforehand. I'm in Year 10 now, I'm still with CAMHS actually working stuff out now, people have a better understanding of what it's like which I'm happy about.

I'm not better, but I'm getting there. I mean I can write and do work like a normal person. I wear my scars out and I don't give two about what anyone has to say. I'm more confident when it comes to speaking up and I'm just trying to be a better person in general. Well a better person when it comes to me having company and working towards my future. I'm the same, some bits I'm different and other bits I'm worse but oh well I guess. I'm still suicidal, I still self harm and I still have problems with my mental health. My body's a bit messed up all I have to do is learn to manage it. I can't cope with distress honestly it's horrible. Like seriously I can just look at a piece of homework stress about it but at the same time I have to be careful because I can't put up with the stress like it feels unbearable so I have to try and distract myself which is why last year I struggled to do homework since because I already couldn't write the whole idea of it just stressed me out so now I kind of have to deal with especially being in Year 10. There are so many more expectations and things I'm working for since I'm currently in bottom English and since I have a passion for writing I don't find it very acceptable but it's slightly fair due to the fact I hardly did any work last year but then again it isn't since I couldn't do any. Now in English I'm pushing myself to be moved up. I'm still in top maths and top languages. Now I just need to work hard in Performing Arts and Music my two options. I have a passion for music and I honestly can't live without it. Literally before I was a fan but didn't listen to it all the time but now I swear I hardly go without it. Every day I fall asleep to the radio, wake up to the radio, listen to it while I get ready, listen to music when I go to school, when I come home. I'm pretty much addicted. Not forgetting I sing, and I write and well music is now practically my life.

Anyway felt like a rant, now I'll just read through my past posts since I've only read the last one anyway I still have a lot left to say.
Later.

 

Second Thoughts...

I'm kind of having second thoughts about keeping this blog. It's kind of too personal I guess and if people find it I might be accused of seeking attention. I mean I guess people should say I have my own free will and can do what I wish with it and not have to worry about other people but I do.

See I can't do anything right, this would probably be used against me. I'm in a fairly sad mood I guess. I read the letter back from CAMHS it's fairly accurate but mistakes stick out like a sore thumb. For a start eating, it says, 'Leila reports that she usually eats breakfast and dinner each day but sometimes restricts her eating due to low self-esteem about her weight.' There is more but I'm not going to type that bit. The mistake is I don't I hate eating anyway. I don't eat breakfast and I try to avoid dinner. I'm constantly eating crap and I hate myself for it. I don't even know why but I'm going to exercise more anyway. Also another part, this isn't their fault but this is what came across to them, 'I have assessed the risk of further self harm to be high, but the risk of acts with suicidal intent to be low.' S.H is pretty much accurate, they honestly didn't think I was going to stop? Alternatives or none the real thing can't compare. I don't know my thoughts about self harm they're clouded over as well. I just know it can't compare. Suicidal intent, I've honestly been suicidal for the past week. Probably would've done something by now if it wasn't for mum locking away everything. So I guess it is right not accurate but right.

I don't know what to write now. Anyway I'm getting rid of this blog so yeah...

Long weekend ahead.

Because it's a bank holiday I have 3 days off school. Usually I'd be celebrating but doesn't help when you're feeling shitty. Not because of school for once in my life. Actually for personal issues, really personal so not going into them. I'm crying though but doesn't really matter. This is to share how I feel cause I need to let it out not because I care. Well the place where I share everything is my diary but that's for me.

I've got nothing much to write about today. I met my new maths teacher he's ok just he struggles controlling my class meaning it was much more enjoyable not being able to do work. Actually today was worse. I couldn't actually get my iPad out my bag. I'm going have a shower today and wash my crazy hair. It might go curly again, right now it's not to bad and I haven't straightened it for once.

Counselling was fine. Like I said I don't have much to say for once. Probably cause evil lady wasn't in.

Mum knows about why I may be feeling rubbish but she doesn't know what I'm doing now. I'm kind of willing to stay in my room for a while, well as it lasts. Since I have to go out tomorrow. It isn't optional. It'd be good for me anyway. I need a bit of singing to get me back to my little happy mind set.

I have tons of homework today but it's work and well risky. Why is everything so much more company. Like other people, homework they do it and get over it. But I can't. I'm not stupid, honestly I'm not I love being a smartie pants but kind of sucks when I can't show it.

Anyway going to just listen to music and sulk to myself I guess.

Really?

As you probably know this week has been fairly shitty. Today has been slightly predictable. Only slightly. I went to school and of course couldn't any work. It was taking the piss. I have actually had enough of it all but what can I change? Mrs Johnson A.K.A evil lady seemed to make the day a whole lot better. Made me use iPad but I couldn't and guess what? I started to kick off in her room so she got to see me scratching at my hands and face. Trying to catch me out to see if I was just acting but I wasn't. I was scratching until my skin was sore and only at the start did she seem to care but I think I was forgetting who I was talking to. All she cared about was the fact that her shitty laptop wasn't working and she was getting mad because of it. She asked me what I wanted to make it stop I told her straight. She sent me back to tutor from my perspective she didn't really care. Convinced in her sick mind that I was still making things up even though I never have. Then has the cheek to lie about it after I'm gone. She never says things to my face about what she thinks but then neither do I. I have a feeling she's looking for a reason to kick me out of school. I think now she might have one. But who's fault is that? Kind of hers for the cause but then mine for blabbing. Well I had to sort myself out I was mess so I did. Thought it was smart to give Mrs an update at the end of school and I told her what I did just so she knew. Just because I thought it'd be helpful. No. Never again. For a start she started questioning me: What did you do with it? Where did you get it? Where is it now? Then says that I could get arrested for having a sharp item. So it's not like other teenagers have as well then. She said because I do I either have to give it to her or she'd call the police. What the fuck? The police over a fucking piece of metal that she probably just wants to use to accuse me of more made up bullshit. Ok so I threw it in the bin, she fishes it out and holds it up. I had to look the other way because right there and then so many thoughts and possibilities came into my head. She then put hers arm around. For a start, what the fuck? Ok so you took away the only possible thing that helps me. The only thing that has actually worked in calming me down in school. And you take it away from me. What is wrong with her? Who the fuck does she think she is? What am I going to do? I'm not going to let myself kick off in school even if I have to fucking rip out my veins.

Excuse my mouthy language but you can probably tell I'm not at the top of the world. I'm typing now because I need to let my feelings out and I don't really mind if the whole world can read this. I'm being honest and I'm not a lier.

I've had enough of it all. People not believing me and some people even having second thoughts. I don't tell different stories each time just I have different ways of telling people things. All my stories that I tell link into each other. And maybe at the worst I can't even think straight so maybe when I'm a little more sane I can explain more and details may seem to change. But I don't bullshit. What's the point in it? Why would you lie?Sooner or later the truth will come out no matter how well you try to hide it. So why the fuck would you lie about it? Or even make up a massive problem.

Yes I'm typing now. Big mistake. Because I haven't got what I need apart from something else which will tempt me to stab myself. That's it what the fuck? I haven't done anything wrong I'm just trying everything I can doing what I guess is right but it's always wrong. I'm on the brink of tears not that I care to be honest but when I write I will say everything on my mind.

Anyway doesn't matter. Tomorrow's another and luckily evil lady isn't going to be in it. Triple maths and double PDC. Tomorrow is going to be fun...

Miserable day.

Ok so the day hasn't even finished yet. Well I feel rubbish. Literally either like tearing my hair out or stabbing myself in the stomach. Anyway well in school again I couldn't do any work. All day. So I guess my mind doesn't seem to like English and German which is fairly understandable but really annoying. In lessons I enjoy Performing Arts, Music, Spanish. I actually think those are the main ones. I do my work with only 15-20% of the trouble. In other subjects take English and German it feels like 75%. Since 100% is me kicking off and totally crazy. 75 is like slightly kicking off but trying to stop it. Discreetly harming myself when no one else is looking, holding back tears, obsessive thoughts, very negative, trying to show it who's boss but I never can.

The sun has come out and I just want to stay indoors. I put on some shorts but that's cause it was boiling when I walked through the door. Going to change into something typical now. Homework has been trouble. You know what? The majority of my problems are all from school. In the holidays I could force myself to write, pen to paper until I almost started to get it into it. First day back to school and I'm back to square one and this time worse. Well the not typing thing was actually from last term but now of course it's got worse. How long before I start to kick off in every lesson? Actually thing is that pretty much already happens, even when I'm enjoying myself. I've been hooking my hands together and continuously biting my left ring finger since it the closest one to. Digging my nails into my skin. Trying to claw at my skin and do the whole chicken burn thing but it's never enough.

Everyone thinks I'm lying and just thinks I'm lazy and don't want to do any work. That's not even true, for a start in German today if I could write I would've been one of the first to finish that work sheet I planned it all in my head. Worked out all the answers to a quiz thing on the board. I would've been on a roll and a typical keener. English well we were doing a mind map. If I could write it would be full to the brim with overflowing ideas and when it came to the Macbeth diary entry. Well I could say I'm an expert at diaries and have a strong sense of empathy so I would've wrote an essays worth. I would've done so much today you know? Been the nerd of day and feel proud happy even. So why would I enjoy not being able to? Feeling smart is amazing makes you feel like you're going to get somewhere in life but this is why I can't consider a future. I keep not being able to do things and it takes the piss. Makes me want to cry. So even with my problems minus the writing problem at least I'd feel happy at the end of the day.

I figured out a little bit more as why I don't do homework's. Well when I get home it's my escape from school even though I can't stop thinking about it it's peaceful and I can still kick off but not have to worry about what anyone else has to say stay in my room safe. I can try to distract myself and hurt myself when I need to. Then the thought of homework comes it's a reminder of school all over again I start thinking horrible things and its like being in school all over again in my bedroom then I start kicking off so I just put the thought away if I can and distract myself.

I'm pathetic. I can't do any work or maybe not work for the most important things. I'm constantly being accused of lying and I'm not everything is true. I feel like I'm always being criticized behind my back and people are saying things they wouldn't say to my face. It's like everyone is against me. Ok so maybe every school will be the same, not able to cope but at least I could try again.

My story isn't typical. No one is like me. Yeah so there is depression and self harm. But this in my head is something else don't compare me to over people. I don't think I'm special to be honest I hate myself I just know that I must be different somehow because strategies that work for other people don't work for me so I get accused of not trying them but some I know won't work. There is the phrase, you don't know unless you try. Well for me I do. The thought of something I can just feel it and imagine me trying it and it's always horrible even when I do try.

Last night I tried this countdown method to get to sleep. You start from 100, I got to 98. Did everything I was supposed to but I couldn't. It was to stop stress. It didn't. I forced myself to sleep, suffocating myself under my pillow until I woke up in the morning feeling the same old way I always do.

I know I'm not alone and people have some similar problems to me but mine have affected me differently. I get accused of lying for not being like other people but no two people are exactly same. So I differ a lot from others when it comes to certain things and why should I get judged for it? Everyone is unique but I get into all kinds of shit for my problems being different. For not having as much control as I should.

Anyway I'm going to stop ranting now. I'm getting nowhere, just getting worse...  

Typical late night.

Hey,
I was supposed to post earlier but I got distracted. How am I feeling now? Well at 1:09am in the morning I'm pissed off but not entirely sure why. I had a laugh at least, a short two second laugh that ended as soon as it started. Well at least I was distracted, I was watching That Awkward Moment. It's an alright film I guess. Yesterday was alright. I like Spanish and enjoy Science through messing around. Went to see the school nurse it was fine I guess. Walked home with my best friend Shania, went to the shop bought typical junk, ate it then well went home.

Today mum went to Portishead. But that's basically all I know. I just haven't been assed today. Yesterday morning I swear I almost fell asleep despite the fact I actually liked the lesson. I do like Spanish, I was even considering it for my options but its only really the teacher that makes it worth while. In Yr 8 I wasn't his biggest fan but he taught Geography and well me and homework are a bad combination, still to this day. So I thought him teaching me Spanish would be another year of dread and misery about a simple subject but no I was wrong. From the first lesson I was hooked, it was interesting and it was just amazing how much he could teach us in the matter of two hours. I swear I know way more in Spanish than I do German but then in Spanish I actually enjoy paying attention. It's a lesson where I enjoy learning I guess. Science, I can see an incoming fail for that. I put no effort into my work, I have nothing better to do than fuck around and that's basically it. I know nothing about Science and I think I may be the dumbest person in the class. I am in top Science, how that happened I don't know but I am. Perhaps I do need to focus more but I just get easily distracted but not all the time.

I was on FaceTime to Shania earlier, a thought of the evil lady and I basically was kicking off. Like most times I sorted it but dressing in the morning won't be pleasant. I feel like crying for some reason. Shania is convinced something is up but I just deny it. There maybe is but I just can't even talk to her anymore because I'll put myself down. I was doing it before the evil lady got involved. Moaning saying I'm a rubbish friend and criticizing myself. I don't care but thing is now she's getting involved and trying to fuck up our friendship. So maybe I'm refusing to be open but I honestly don't know what I'd do without Shania. Change subject, only because I'm thinking about self hatred and stuff not Shania.

Been going on Omegle a lot, if your lucky you get decent conversations but very rarely. Anyway I feel shitty.

I'm not tired. But holy shit when I get up I'll be crying I don't want to go to school. Well my school specifically.

I'm not taking the piss but I actually avoid homework to avoid stress. Ok so I still get stressed out but not about homework. See I know it's unfair to other pupils but thing is I have no idea why and it's pathetic but its a trigger. The thought just makes my blood boil and brings back that familiar feeling. Or just heightens its affect since it's always there.

I'm sorry I just hate this. Ok so I don't give a shit about me but that doesn't mean I'm going to put up with all this for the rest of my life. Failed suicide attempts just make me feel like a failure. I just don't know. If hell is real I'm pretty sure by now I have a one way ticket. I just want peace. But there is none just a constant cycle over and over and I have had enough.

"You don't want to kill yourself."

"Trust me, I do." I always say.

"You don't mean that, think of your future and what's to come."

Future. Ok maybe when I was younger the chances of me getting my dream future were high but now. Ok so I can sing, write, read maybe but really with my mind and feelings in the way what kind of future am I going to have? It's not just depression or self harm. I can't write. I tried to write on a blank CD in my room yesterday and it was important but no obviously not. Tech workshop, big no. I avoid Mrs Johnson now. I don't do any work at all when I feel the way I usually do. There is no help, maybe hope if I wasn't so fucked up but I am. I don't want to work through the help because it's going to take forever. Even if I stop self harming its not like it was never there it's still going to haunt me maybe even the thoughts will stay. I don't want them hypnotized out of me that's just stupid. I want to sort things out myself.

Anyway I'm going to kick off again,
I'm going to attempt to sleep and if something happens I'll just do it all again and again and again as nothings changes.

Back to school.

I had a rubbish day. I kind of kicked off in school and held it back making me worse I guess but it was horrible. I bit my finger for half the day and did no work. Just stared into thin air while everyone was having fun and working around me. I felt like shit to be honest. I tried lying to Shania about how I felt but I couldn't. Shana's my best friend I can't lie to her.

The teacher who accuses me of attention seeking spoke to me today. I tried everything in my power for saying to her face, "Go fuck yourself." It's not really disrespectful. I tell her all of my problems try to make her understand what it's like bearing in mind I still don't even understand myself. It's just horrible. I couldn't touch my iPad or the keyboard on the computer. I couldn't do anything. I wasn't sure if I was going to be able to type today but here I am typing. Trust me I'm not making it up it's all true I was forcing myself to at least touch the keyboard but no. I was just sitting there biting into my finger as always. I wasn't really ok in the morning I was trying to calm myself. I didn't not much but it helped considering my first two favourite lessons, Music and Performing Arts. I had a laugh and smiled a lot during tutor mainly because I was messing around and tried to keep the act up. But as soon as it got to I.T I lost the act I tried but I couldn't I felt rubbish. Even in German I just sat there and stared into the distance. Everyone still working, laughing. having fun. Then there was me. Sad, depressed and quiet.

I'm getting in trouble for not doing my I.T but I told the teacher I couldn't and he wouldn't have it. I wanted to say something rude to him as well but I had to try and control it. My mind tends to talk for me sometimes so I don't want that to happen. See the evil lady is trying to get rid of me out the school. I've gave her two chances and always told the truth. Well I only lie if she asks me if I'm ok. Now when I lie I always cross my fingers, makes you feel less guilty if that's understandable. She wants to see me tomorrow, I don't. I want to leave my school because I hate it there. I'm supposed to feel safe and supported. I feel like a danger and accused. It's pathetic. Ok so maybe I won't be sent to a school for kids like me but any school has got to be better than mine.

I'm not going to go into school. I have more homework than I can count but the thought of it just drives me mad. I don't want to risk not being able to type again for the sake of homework. I can think of future by my education. My intelligence isn't any lower just I can't show it. I don't see how its my fault. I warned them, told them and even gave them a letter explaining what I could. It's not my fault, I should have someone to support me. I told them it happens and there are times where I can't even type so if I get detention for a pathetic reason that isn't even my fault then I'm not going. Fuck that. I hate my school and would happily love to leave it. Even for a different school I'm pretty sure I might feel a little bit more supported. But what if I don't get excepted by other schools. They pass on my information to other schools there's no way. I don't really have behavior problems just when it comes to my mental health there is no way anyone can cope.

I even kicked off in the hospital but I tried to calm myself down by almost suffocating myself. Then I even cut myself when I was there.

See I can have a happy day and only one day in that shit hole can ruin it. Every time. Well I don't live in a dream world but if I keep getting invited to the rich people's house I don't think I'll need school. I teach myself more than any teacher could ever teach me and do so much work it piles up in my bedroom. I can try to be in school but it gets harder. I have no idea if I'm going to make it through the week. One day and I've already had enough.

Anyway. I have to quit ranting on now maybe post later.

Surprise.

Today went better than expected. Singing just made today better, made today one of the highlights of the week. It was so unexpected what happened its mad. I was singing people were going mad for me, cheering my name, asking for more. Someone went around with a donation bucket I didn't realize until the end that it was for me. So I got given £70. I gave £5 to my dad cause he was moaning about electric, then I topped up £10 on the gas and electric each because at home it was running out and then I spent £15 on topping up my phone. I had £76 anyway because I had £6 before people gave me the money so I gave some of that way. So £35 is the outcome. I got given a box of chocolates, basically this woman won a raffle and picked up a box of chocolates and straight away just gave them to me. I was like shocked just by that then why I found out about the money I was gobsmacked. But it wasn't over then. I sang Hallelujah as my final song, I sang four and well people were crying and I got standing ovations. I was almost crying. They wanted an encore so I sang Beloved by Lauren Aquilina and they loved that as well. They are hiring me again this year like more than once.

I'm still feeling the same thing since well I'm thinking about school. I'm ready for teachers moaning, homework stress, work stress and of course my minds intereferences. I really like Lucy Spraggan now her songs are amazing. Still can't replace Lauren Aquilina no offence to Lucy. So my favourite music comes from like Little Mix, Lucy Spraggan and Lauren Aquilina. So I think it might be something to do with L's but L's are awesome. L-e-i-l-a. Sorry just I do like my name. It's pretty, too pretty for me but its still nice.

Anyway I'm going to stop writing now. I'm guessing that I'll have more to write about tomorrow depending on the events but my mind might play up since I'm going back. Maybe I might have to stay away from there for my own and others safety.

Later,
Leila

Morning.

This week has possibly been one of the worst of my life but you probably already gathered that because of the majority of posts this week. Today I'm going to these rich people, they live in this mansion and well I've been invited there to sing. Great thing is I haven't even practiced. I have of course sang this week but I completely forgot until my brother burst into my room this morning telling me to wake up. I always ask why now. If someone tells me to get up I'm just like, "Why?" not as in a mean way kind of in a sleepy moany way. 

So I need to warm up because its 11:28am and I have to leave at 12:00. I'm not wearing anything special but now I have to be more aware of what I wear for personal reasons. I've been using Yahoo Answers a lot. One of my questions was, 'Ways to kill yourself, without fail?' I got like seven answers but now I think my question has been blocked which is understandable but it was serious. If I do attempt again I'm pretty sure I don't want to make it out alive. Don't want to think about that now since yesterday was a bad day and I guess today's kind of a new page. I'm just feeling depressed but not lazy like I usually am. I know going out is risky because of my problems but when it comes to singing I can be a total different person. There is no act just fun. I love singing, writing and reading. Well singing and writing more because they actually help. I've been doing both for a long time, before everything started so I still enjoy it. I'm supposed to be going to my dad's today as well but he has like heart problems and has to sleep with this machine. He's also been told he can't drive for two weeks. He's a taxi driver plus we don't live with him so this does create complications. I only witnessed him disobey this rule once. Well it was only when me and mum on the Wednesday were coming back from hospital and we didn't have enough money for the bus. Conveniently dad called us and told us to catch a bus to Downend where he would give us money to catch the bus from Downend back to home. We did have enough money to go to Downend so we did and I directed me and mum to his front door. We went in, spoke and then he basically said, "Fuck it." and he drove us home anyway. I was in a bad place at the time so it was for the best for me but for him not so good. 

I really have to practice singing now with the time I have left. You can find my singing on Youtube and keek. So if you want to hear me sing that's where you can find it. 

Later,

Leila

Omg...

Today has just been horrible. I went out only because I had to and well just today didn't go as planned. I guess it's not really surprising. I bought my brother some chips, I had some as well but my stomach still hurts because of what I did. I'm not even sure whether I mentioned what I did on here but it doesn't really matter. I can't plan my days because I can kick off any time, any where and with any one so I did when I was out. I wanted to go straight home but I couldn't since mum and Abdul wanted to go to McDonald's. I had my house key I would've easily but because of this weeks events trust isn't as strong as it used to be. I said I couldn't go in and what I wanted. I said what I felt I was only doing what was best for me. I did go after being forced but sad on a hill not too far from McDonald's but not close to anyone. When I'm feeling like I'm about to kick off I try to distance myself from other people so I did that. But it would've been so much easier to go home. I was forced to go because mum was moaning about her free time. She likes going out but now she feels she can't go out because she can't leave me alone. I went with her today because it was relevant for me. But then McDonald's was unexpected so I told my mum I couldn't go she wouldn't listen. She was being really selfish at the time because I was only doing what was best for me but she just wanted to get some fast food. What's more important? She said she was starving but it's not like we don't have food at home. I did buy some chips on the way home to make up for it but she was still being stubborn. Moaning at me, blaming it on me but I explained to her why it's better I just stay in my room.

I went right home and sorted myself out the way I do. Then she was trying to call up my dad because she can't cope with me. Wanted him to take me into his care for a while but I told her it wasn't going to change anything and that it would most likely make me worse because the safest place I feel is in my room.

Right now mum has been in my room moaning at me about sleep. How I go to bed late and how I should be sleeping. Then she brings up bullshit about rules. We've never had any sleeping rules in this house. That stopped when I turned 11. When I was no longer told what time I had to sleep and just did when I was tired. Mum isn't a bad mother she just can piss me off if I'm being honest. I told her to leave, said I felt like I was kicking off and she was just making me feel worse. Well she was she was trying to make me feel bad, again blame me on stuff. Trying to use me knowing I don't have a sleeping curfew as an excuse for her to say she should just walk out the house. Well if I'm honest I'm growing up and I can do everything myself but that doesn't mean I don't need her. She's my mum.

Anyway. Everything I'm writing now is a mess, my heads a mess and I'm trying to distract myself but it's failing horribly and I'm just going to snap in a minute. I feel horrible and I need to sort myself out again.

Eventful week...

Sorry I haven't really posted much this week...

Reason? I've been in hospital. Actually I'm coming back on the bus from hospital now. Nothing to serious I guess but I've been feeling suicidal so I tried to kill myself yesterday. I've been asked so many times if I regret it but I don't. I only regret using such a stupid method. My teacher thinks I made it all up despite I drank it in school and was quite ill but not very. Yes drank. I made this kind of drink consisting of many chemicals on Wednesday night. Drank a bit then but not much because previous suicide attempts make it hard for me to ingest things again. This is the first time I've actually told anyone the same time I had done it. I know it sounds selfish but I've actually had enough but I've promised not to do anything and I don't like breaking promises so I'll keep it while it lasts. 

My school doesn't exactly help. To be honest being there just encouraged me to drink it. I was going to drink it anyway but it's not that easy. As soon as I was sat out in the Tech corridor continuously being ignored and being laughed at it was all I needed. I put the bottle in my mouth and drank as much as I could until I had to stop. I did that about 4 times. So I did feel ill but I should've known it was never going to work. I have or had a massive phobia of needles but I think I overcame it in my own typical way. Well they had to it was a blood test and honestly wasn't as bad but I'm not sure whether that was because of the cold spray I told them to put over my skin before they stuck something in it or I'm just used to pain. 

Even after attempting suicide nothing's changed I feel the same. A night in the hospital isn't something so surprising anymore. I guess that's normal. I'm working with CAMHS (child and adult mental health services) to kind of learn to control my emotions which means I have to stop being such a brat and attempting suicide. I don't regret it but giving up before even trying out help is a bad move. And stupid. I know I've had enough of life but I think after some reassurance today a small bit of hope has been restored. I don't people to lecture me about how valuable my life is because I know exactly how I feel about my life and that won't change until I want it to. I guess I'm going to have to control kicking off a bit but I can't that much at the moment. 

My stomach hurts. It bothers me but I'm used to what I should expect by now since I've been there done that so I've obviously fucked up my stomach. I should be fine if I don't decide to digest anymore substances that could burn away my stomach lining. So as much as I feel like buying and downing a bottle of bleach I won't. For a start I promised and I have to give people a chance. So I'm being fairly positive I guess. I feel so shit though, like I'm going to kick off and like I honestly can't be bothered anymore but I can't let that get to me. I have something's that may help at least.

I have this book called, 'Wreck this Book' and it's basically what it says it is. It tells you what to do on each page and you can wreck the book which I'm going to try I need to let off a bit of rage after all. Also a booklet to do with self harm I've read so many but this is by people who've self harmed themselves so it's written by kids who I can most likely relate to. So this could be my break maybe I am going to get better. Maybe soon mental health will be a distant memory. This phase will pass though the hopeful phase sorry for being so negative but I've been in similar situation where I think everything is going to get better but it never does or seems to temporarily. 

Anyway I'm going to stop ranting on now, my targets this week are to stop getting myself into hospital, don't try to kill myself and try to be hopeful. Update tomorrow, or later if I get bored.

Apologies.

My last post was beyond crazy. I can talk, I can speak of course I can I knew I would. Well that's a lie but ho hey.

I'm in a good mood and I'm silently fan girling over The Midnight Beast. I would scream and start screaming their songs at the top of my lungs but it's 1:20am. I don't think the neighbours or my mum will appreciate it. I love them all so much. I've never met them but I know exactly what I'd do if I did. I'd faint, scream and cry. I can already feel the tears. They are like amazing. I also love Lauren Aquilina. She's from Bristol and she's an amazing singer/songwriter, and if I meet her I can't promise I won't overreact. Omg I love them all it's so unreal. Like a dream come true would be a surprise where The Midnight Beast and Lauren Aquilina are somewhere and I see them. I can so imagine it. Maybe I should make a list. Things that make me happy. 1. The Midnight Beast 2. Lauren Aquilina

I'm kind of worried I'll meet them and my reaction will scare them off but you have no idea. I'm way to obsessed. Not one of those creepy know it all fans that act like stalkers but just you criticise them I will rip your hair out and well if I met them I'd go mental. I'm going to see them next month and I can basically imagine me screaming my head off in the crowd. I've never actually been to a gig or concert, not a proper one. So The Midnight Beast being my first is actually fucking amazing!!! I really have to calm down. God I swear controlling my feelings are hell. Earlier today I was depressed now I'm like fan girling plus slightly physco. Now I'm kind of trying to calm down which is making me feel depressed all over again. I shouldn't try to control them since that's what got me into the talking mess so I should just go with it. Not fight it. 

Keek is amazing, I wish like even more people used it. It's amazing and I love it. I wish you could put on longer videos. Vine is also amazing. How many things am I on? Well. Google+, Facebook, Twitter, MySpace, Tumblr, YouTube, Vine, Kik, Keek, Snapchat, Dare, Ask.fm, stars of the future, blogger, Bored.com, CBBC, Wattpad, Quotev, Oovoo, Soundcloud, BBM, Whatsapp, Tango, Gmail, Yahoo, Apple, Skype etc. I don't even remember half of them, ever since I've started using the internet so that was more when I was like 10 I just signed up for anything. I used to be into virtual world games. Migo land, Ourworld, Moshi Monsters, Club Penguin etc. even if you google my name you see a lot about me. I guess it's dangerous so I kind of need to manage it all better but I don't remember all of the passwords or like information from when I was younger.
     
It is my best friends birthday. She's now 14 just like me. I wrote her a card and got her a box of chocolates. Well mum paid and I just sorted it out. I was supposed to have a shower but at night I'm glued to my iPad. Separating it from me is like taking candy from a baby. I might shower now and make it quick. 

One more thing. Maybe I've mentioned, since I rant on I don't remember, I'm a songwriter. I've actually wrote about 49 songs now. The last two were recent, I had a lot on my mind so letting it out in lyrics is a good way. The more I feel the more songs I write but I need to work out tunes. My songs weren't written for no reason. Thing is I'm too scared to post any because when it's your own songs god knows what people are going to think. My songs aren't typical they're different because there's stereotypical style songs that everyone likes and if I try to bring my own originality into music I'm scared people won't like it, perhaps it would help it I had my guitar. I guess I'll just have to wait and 
see. 

Anyway I have to shower now and really set limits on this thing. I'm not becoming a coach potato.

Friday...

How many days before school? Only 3. As I'm so organised I have about 4 big homework's to finish. I haven't done them basically for no good reason I simply can't be bothered. I'm just exhausted. After yesterday I haven't been myself. I feel ill and I've been in bed all day. All I've ate is chocolate since it's the closest thing to me at the moment. I sorted that out, but I've eaten some more. Only a bit it doesn't even help I just feel so empty. I don't binge I just don't eat properly. I don't want to eat properly I'm going through one of those stages again. They aren't unfamiliar. It all comes in my teenager package. I've been watched The Vampire Diaries all day. Occasional breaks but just episode after episode. Already halfway through Season 2 well so far. I only started Season 2 today. This shows how lazy I am. I have got some sleep but I've nothing to get up for. Last night I had a moment, now I can't talk. It must sound crazy but I've kind of been there done that. Just not talking writing, you know normal writing with a pen. After days of force I can write but the struggle isn't gone. I'm forcing myself to do things, it just makes me worse but that's never stopped me. Worse how? Don't worry about it. I'm mental but I'm kind of used to it. Wait, that's a lie. Used to it. No I guess it doesn't really surprise me anymore. I've been paranoid people are going to give up on me but thing is some already have. 

I can whisper but I have to force it because my mum continuously questions me. She knows of my struggle to talk but I don't want her to send me away somewhere. I'll be able to talk soon, not being able to is just annoying I guess because I'm a chatterbox. I rant on whether I type it or say it. Now I'm just going with the flow, blanking out people all day and being isolated my room is the way to go. Maybe I should start on homework but thoughts of it stress me out. Drives me mad I guess. I don't need that now.

You guys must think I'm weird. Ranting on about my problems trust me I have a lot. I hate people getting mixed up in them because well it doesn't do me any good. If I could lock my bedroom door from the inside I would stay in here the rest of my life until my last breath. That way no one can get hurt. Being young I can't do whatever I want, people don't believe me and neither do they trust me. If I could I would make all of my decisions now but I can't. I have years to wait before then, I'm not sure if I can wait that long.

See there's is something wrong with me. I don't exactly know what I just know it's horrible and it's messing with my head and my life. Why am I even saying this here? Probably because I'm scared. I guess I just feel lonely people can be depressed, anxious, they can self harm, be suicidal but thing is no ones like me. So I'm not alone in certain things but even some things I know no one else has had. Doctors, teachers, professionals they all fail to understand. Maybe I scare them that's why they think I'm making things up but I'm not.

This is so dramatic and I'm so sorry. But if this blog is called 'From my eyes...' Then that's exactly what's it going to be about. Just be careful some things on here may upset people and I don't want that. Ask me questions bla bla. I have nothing better to do at the moment, I'm in my room all day after all.

Later.

Introduction...

I'm Leila. 14 years old from Bristol. I've made blogs before but posts from when I was 11 don't mean much to me now. I want to start fresh. Write about today and not have to worry about things I've missed.

So. What's new? It's Thursday about 5:36am. I don't wake up this early I kind of prefer late nights into long mornings. Usually I would've fell asleep a few hours ago but I've seemed to grow attached to The Vampire Diaries. I wouldn't say I'm obsessed well I haven't finished the series yet. I kind of had to start from Season 1 and work my way down because before last week I'd truthfully never watched it. I don't know what my plans are for today but I can already predict tonight's events. I will sit in my bed, slip on my pyjamas, turn on my iPad and carry on watching The Vampire Diaries. Is that typical? I'm not sure. I mean I don't actually know many people who watch it. I have more than one favourite TV program of course how can anyone just have one? This isn't my usual routine well it wasn't. I only got internet one week ago before I kind of had to rely on bus WiFi and the occasional visits to my dads flat. I thought I would've gone there more since it's the holidays but no. I've spent most of the holidays in my bed.

School. I don't want to go back it just makes me worse. I have problems, really big problems and well school doesn't help at all. Actually school just makes more problems meaning more stress meaning I begin to hate school. There's no reason why I shouldn't. I can teach myself more anyway. I'd rather self teach. The more I think about it the more it drives me mad. I don't know what's worse the students or the staff. It's kind of 50/50. I do have friends, a few just not all in my school. I seem to get on people's wrong sides by hanging out with apparently the wrong people. But in the so called wrong people I can see what no one else can. When I say wrong people I mean the people that no one else bothers to talk to and well un-popular people I guess. When I was younger I didn't care and I still don't. In my eyes my friends are perfect and anyone who messes with them well has to deal with me.

I better stop ranting on. First entry don't want to make a bad impression but I do rant on whether I talk or type. This entry wasn't that good but I am half asleep.

Later.