I had a rubbish day. I kind of kicked off in school and held it back making me worse I guess but it was horrible. I bit my finger for half the day and did no work. Just stared into thin air while everyone was having fun and working around me. I felt like shit to be honest. I tried lying to Shania about how I felt but I couldn't. Shana's my best friend I can't lie to her.
The teacher who accuses me of attention seeking spoke to me today. I tried everything in my power for saying to her face, "Go fuck yourself." It's not really disrespectful. I tell her all of my problems try to make her understand what it's like bearing in mind I still don't even understand myself. It's just horrible. I couldn't touch my iPad or the keyboard on the computer. I couldn't do anything. I wasn't sure if I was going to be able to type today but here I am typing. Trust me I'm not making it up it's all true I was forcing myself to at least touch the keyboard but no. I was just sitting there biting into my finger as always. I wasn't really ok in the morning I was trying to calm myself. I didn't not much but it helped considering my first two favourite lessons, Music and Performing Arts. I had a laugh and smiled a lot during tutor mainly because I was messing around and tried to keep the act up. But as soon as it got to I.T I lost the act I tried but I couldn't I felt rubbish. Even in German I just sat there and stared into the distance. Everyone still working, laughing. having fun. Then there was me. Sad, depressed and quiet.
I'm getting in trouble for not doing my I.T but I told the teacher I couldn't and he wouldn't have it. I wanted to say something rude to him as well but I had to try and control it. My mind tends to talk for me sometimes so I don't want that to happen. See the evil lady is trying to get rid of me out the school. I've gave her two chances and always told the truth. Well I only lie if she asks me if I'm ok. Now when I lie I always cross my fingers, makes you feel less guilty if that's understandable. She wants to see me tomorrow, I don't. I want to leave my school because I hate it there. I'm supposed to feel safe and supported. I feel like a danger and accused. It's pathetic. Ok so maybe I won't be sent to a school for kids like me but any school has got to be better than mine.
I'm not going to go into school. I have more homework than I can count but the thought of it just drives me mad. I don't want to risk not being able to type again for the sake of homework. I can think of future by my education. My intelligence isn't any lower just I can't show it. I don't see how its my fault. I warned them, told them and even gave them a letter explaining what I could. It's not my fault, I should have someone to support me. I told them it happens and there are times where I can't even type so if I get detention for a pathetic reason that isn't even my fault then I'm not going. Fuck that. I hate my school and would happily love to leave it. Even for a different school I'm pretty sure I might feel a little bit more supported. But what if I don't get excepted by other schools. They pass on my information to other schools there's no way. I don't really have behavior problems just when it comes to my mental health there is no way anyone can cope.
I even kicked off in the hospital but I tried to calm myself down by almost suffocating myself. Then I even cut myself when I was there.
See I can have a happy day and only one day in that shit hole can ruin it. Every time. Well I don't live in a dream world but if I keep getting invited to the rich people's house I don't think I'll need school. I teach myself more than any teacher could ever teach me and do so much work it piles up in my bedroom. I can try to be in school but it gets harder. I have no idea if I'm going to make it through the week. One day and I've already had enough.
Anyway. I have to quit ranting on now maybe post later.
The teacher who accuses me of attention seeking spoke to me today. I tried everything in my power for saying to her face, "Go fuck yourself." It's not really disrespectful. I tell her all of my problems try to make her understand what it's like bearing in mind I still don't even understand myself. It's just horrible. I couldn't touch my iPad or the keyboard on the computer. I couldn't do anything. I wasn't sure if I was going to be able to type today but here I am typing. Trust me I'm not making it up it's all true I was forcing myself to at least touch the keyboard but no. I was just sitting there biting into my finger as always. I wasn't really ok in the morning I was trying to calm myself. I didn't not much but it helped considering my first two favourite lessons, Music and Performing Arts. I had a laugh and smiled a lot during tutor mainly because I was messing around and tried to keep the act up. But as soon as it got to I.T I lost the act I tried but I couldn't I felt rubbish. Even in German I just sat there and stared into the distance. Everyone still working, laughing. having fun. Then there was me. Sad, depressed and quiet.
I'm getting in trouble for not doing my I.T but I told the teacher I couldn't and he wouldn't have it. I wanted to say something rude to him as well but I had to try and control it. My mind tends to talk for me sometimes so I don't want that to happen. See the evil lady is trying to get rid of me out the school. I've gave her two chances and always told the truth. Well I only lie if she asks me if I'm ok. Now when I lie I always cross my fingers, makes you feel less guilty if that's understandable. She wants to see me tomorrow, I don't. I want to leave my school because I hate it there. I'm supposed to feel safe and supported. I feel like a danger and accused. It's pathetic. Ok so maybe I won't be sent to a school for kids like me but any school has got to be better than mine.
I'm not going to go into school. I have more homework than I can count but the thought of it just drives me mad. I don't want to risk not being able to type again for the sake of homework. I can think of future by my education. My intelligence isn't any lower just I can't show it. I don't see how its my fault. I warned them, told them and even gave them a letter explaining what I could. It's not my fault, I should have someone to support me. I told them it happens and there are times where I can't even type so if I get detention for a pathetic reason that isn't even my fault then I'm not going. Fuck that. I hate my school and would happily love to leave it. Even for a different school I'm pretty sure I might feel a little bit more supported. But what if I don't get excepted by other schools. They pass on my information to other schools there's no way. I don't really have behavior problems just when it comes to my mental health there is no way anyone can cope.
I even kicked off in the hospital but I tried to calm myself down by almost suffocating myself. Then I even cut myself when I was there.
See I can have a happy day and only one day in that shit hole can ruin it. Every time. Well I don't live in a dream world but if I keep getting invited to the rich people's house I don't think I'll need school. I teach myself more than any teacher could ever teach me and do so much work it piles up in my bedroom. I can try to be in school but it gets harder. I have no idea if I'm going to make it through the week. One day and I've already had enough.
Anyway. I have to quit ranting on now maybe post later.
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