Friday...

How many days before school? Only 3. As I'm so organised I have about 4 big homework's to finish. I haven't done them basically for no good reason I simply can't be bothered. I'm just exhausted. After yesterday I haven't been myself. I feel ill and I've been in bed all day. All I've ate is chocolate since it's the closest thing to me at the moment. I sorted that out, but I've eaten some more. Only a bit it doesn't even help I just feel so empty. I don't binge I just don't eat properly. I don't want to eat properly I'm going through one of those stages again. They aren't unfamiliar. It all comes in my teenager package. I've been watched The Vampire Diaries all day. Occasional breaks but just episode after episode. Already halfway through Season 2 well so far. I only started Season 2 today. This shows how lazy I am. I have got some sleep but I've nothing to get up for. Last night I had a moment, now I can't talk. It must sound crazy but I've kind of been there done that. Just not talking writing, you know normal writing with a pen. After days of force I can write but the struggle isn't gone. I'm forcing myself to do things, it just makes me worse but that's never stopped me. Worse how? Don't worry about it. I'm mental but I'm kind of used to it. Wait, that's a lie. Used to it. No I guess it doesn't really surprise me anymore. I've been paranoid people are going to give up on me but thing is some already have. 

I can whisper but I have to force it because my mum continuously questions me. She knows of my struggle to talk but I don't want her to send me away somewhere. I'll be able to talk soon, not being able to is just annoying I guess because I'm a chatterbox. I rant on whether I type it or say it. Now I'm just going with the flow, blanking out people all day and being isolated my room is the way to go. Maybe I should start on homework but thoughts of it stress me out. Drives me mad I guess. I don't need that now.

You guys must think I'm weird. Ranting on about my problems trust me I have a lot. I hate people getting mixed up in them because well it doesn't do me any good. If I could lock my bedroom door from the inside I would stay in here the rest of my life until my last breath. That way no one can get hurt. Being young I can't do whatever I want, people don't believe me and neither do they trust me. If I could I would make all of my decisions now but I can't. I have years to wait before then, I'm not sure if I can wait that long.

See there's is something wrong with me. I don't exactly know what I just know it's horrible and it's messing with my head and my life. Why am I even saying this here? Probably because I'm scared. I guess I just feel lonely people can be depressed, anxious, they can self harm, be suicidal but thing is no ones like me. So I'm not alone in certain things but even some things I know no one else has had. Doctors, teachers, professionals they all fail to understand. Maybe I scare them that's why they think I'm making things up but I'm not.

This is so dramatic and I'm so sorry. But if this blog is called 'From my eyes...' Then that's exactly what's it going to be about. Just be careful some things on here may upset people and I don't want that. Ask me questions bla bla. I have nothing better to do at the moment, I'm in my room all day after all.

Later.