Reason? I've been in hospital. Actually I'm coming back on the bus from hospital now. Nothing to serious I guess but I've been feeling suicidal so I tried to kill myself yesterday. I've been asked so many times if I regret it but I don't. I only regret using such a stupid method. My teacher thinks I made it all up despite I drank it in school and was quite ill but not very. Yes drank. I made this kind of drink consisting of many chemicals on Wednesday night. Drank a bit then but not much because previous suicide attempts make it hard for me to ingest things again. This is the first time I've actually told anyone the same time I had done it. I know it sounds selfish but I've actually had enough but I've promised not to do anything and I don't like breaking promises so I'll keep it while it lasts.
My school doesn't exactly help. To be honest being there just encouraged me to drink it. I was going to drink it anyway but it's not that easy. As soon as I was sat out in the Tech corridor continuously being ignored and being laughed at it was all I needed. I put the bottle in my mouth and drank as much as I could until I had to stop. I did that about 4 times. So I did feel ill but I should've known it was never going to work. I have or had a massive phobia of needles but I think I overcame it in my own typical way. Well they had to it was a blood test and honestly wasn't as bad but I'm not sure whether that was because of the cold spray I told them to put over my skin before they stuck something in it or I'm just used to pain.
Even after attempting suicide nothing's changed I feel the same. A night in the hospital isn't something so surprising anymore. I guess that's normal. I'm working with CAMHS (child and adult mental health services) to kind of learn to control my emotions which means I have to stop being such a brat and attempting suicide. I don't regret it but giving up before even trying out help is a bad move. And stupid. I know I've had enough of life but I think after some reassurance today a small bit of hope has been restored. I don't people to lecture me about how valuable my life is because I know exactly how I feel about my life and that won't change until I want it to. I guess I'm going to have to control kicking off a bit but I can't that much at the moment.
My stomach hurts. It bothers me but I'm used to what I should expect by now since I've been there done that so I've obviously fucked up my stomach. I should be fine if I don't decide to digest anymore substances that could burn away my stomach lining. So as much as I feel like buying and downing a bottle of bleach I won't. For a start I promised and I have to give people a chance. So I'm being fairly positive I guess. I feel so shit though, like I'm going to kick off and like I honestly can't be bothered anymore but I can't let that get to me. I have something's that may help at least.
I have this book called, 'Wreck this Book' and it's basically what it says it is. It tells you what to do on each page and you can wreck the book which I'm going to try I need to let off a bit of rage after all. Also a booklet to do with self harm I've read so many but this is by people who've self harmed themselves so it's written by kids who I can most likely relate to. So this could be my break maybe I am going to get better. Maybe soon mental health will be a distant memory. This phase will pass though the hopeful phase sorry for being so negative but I've been in similar situation where I think everything is going to get better but it never does or seems to temporarily.
Anyway I'm going to stop ranting on now, my targets this week are to stop getting myself into hospital, don't try to kill myself and try to be hopeful. Update tomorrow, or later if I get bored.
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