A Turn Of Events.

See I don't use this blog anymore but not going to lie it has been interesting being able to read through all my hardships at the age of 14.
Now I can honestly say things are better.
Well I mean I'm a better person.
Not better but without a doubt a better person.

Adam. Fml.
That dreadful time in which I was obsessed with the kid. Well I'm not so much a lesbian anymore but admittedly a proud pansexual and I am so happy that I've actually discovered this.
Anyhow, Adam is my most recent ex.
I ended up going out with him of course, almost lasted for two months.
What happened?
Can I even bear to list the events.
Well I have a lot more exes than three.
I have several.

Let's start from the first.
1. Crystal
2. Shannen
3. A.K
4. Molly
5. Abi
6. Becky
7. Harley
8. Harriet
9. Shelby
10. Yasmin
11. Adam

Those are my exes.

Basically the whole ordeal with Adam was just pathetic.
Like during the month of October I attempted to turn my life around, not completely but enough so people could see that I was trying. Enough for people to actually be proud of me for once.
I did very well. Moving in to my own flat and settling in. I spent the first week being obsessed with housework therefore didn't even leave the house and my one concern was the dishes in the sink.
Back when things were calm. During this time I was given quite a lot of trouble by an immature, repulsive individual. This bitch decided to threaten those I cared about, Adam in the process. Of course she's got nothing to her name, she's a brainless zombie who is legitimately better of dead. I despise her existence but not for reasons to do with Adam but she was partially to blame.
See everything would've been okay if she didn't open her fat mouth threatening to go after 'Adam'.
Of course I told him, as a good girlfriend I didn't want to wait  until something happened and instead made him aware.
He got all defensive and blamed me for him being dragged into my business but I played no part in doing so.
See I didn't fight back to the bitch, no I remained the mature one. I did everything in my power to be the bigger person and I was.
Then out of the blue Adam suddenly decided to accuse me of refusing to tell him two of the bitches male friends were after him. Something that I wasn't aware of at all.
So we argued. Fuck me we argued. He complained saying that he didn't think he could trust me and neither did he want to take the risk. For one that was pathetic in itself because logically everything is a risk and relationships are also risks.
Then he commented on how he couldn't deal with my 'criminal lifestyle' referring to my old self.
So he broke up with me.
I attempted to reconcile with him as he was very eager for us to remain friends but unfortunately for him he did hurt me. Therefore when someone hurts me for a stupid reason I have no choice but to hate them.
I can't even control the hate involved, it's a new defense mechanism I've discovered throughout the course of my previous relationships. Especially after Harley.
Harley is a long story so I'm not going into that entire prospect of things.

Anyhow I shall update later to continue my little update.
Well it's now 2017 and I'm still fucked up yet I'm actually thriving. Go me I guess.
#nomotivation #satincollege

Watching Spongebob..

Interesting as to how my life is going this year. I'm currently updating my blog on my phone considering my iPad is without a doubt fucked and I'm not even at my house therefore I'm using this opportunity to my advantage.
I left school early cause I couldn't cope. My mind started playing up, it does that a lot lately. Waking up every day and twitching, shaking, crying and well basically just out of control. I'm late for school like two hours every day for this reason since it takes me a while to calm down.


I've come out at as a lesbian. Which is evident due to all my three exes are girls. One is Crystal one of my best friends, Shannen just a friend and A.K who I frankly am not in the mood to talk about. I never reached my target of 100 songs for the end of 2014 but ah well 2015 at this rate I probably will. I'm still have an obsession with TVD and The Originals ahh Nina Dobrev and Candice Accola ahhhh love them. Omg and Danielle Campbell. Sorry.


As you do I'm watching Nicktoons well more precisely, 'Fairly Odd Parents' probably the most interesting thing I've done all day. God I'm so knackered. Laters I don't know what else to write aha.
 

It's actually freezing...

Well, what's been going on? A lot honestly. Trying to stay clean from self harm and the rest. Had a fairly stressful week. I should probably try to use the weekend to my advantage. I'm currently listening to music and chilling out in the living room. The weather has now currently took a turn for the worst, now I've actually realized how I wasted the majority of good weather and now am suffering the consequences of the typical shitty weather of Britain. Everything may possibly be getting back on track but I guess only time will tell considering this time last week I could barely stand up only since I was under the influence of alcohol which probably decreases my level of responsibility but then again I am 14 so I don't see why people have such high expectations. But then again I did kind of go against the law but not like it's the first time. Anyway enough said.

For a start me and Shania went to an amazing concert at Thekla. We went to see Heather Peace and it was actually hilarious, I had a great night as well as Shania. The only thing I regret is wearing a skirt considering I was freezing half to death and the wind wasn't really in my favour, well our favour considering I forced Shania into wearing a dress which she admittedly looked gorgeous in but she has no idea how pretty she actually is. I still have a massive crush on Crystal and we are also good friends as are Shania and Crystal. I'm not going to go into my current situation but it is kind of on a personal level and I don't think either of them would appreciate me ranting on about them on the internet even though I kind of already have.

I need to write more songs... My target for the end of the year was 100 and I've only just got past 70. I've currently been disowned by my dad for my little Halloween which I recall as last Friday. I have been disowned simply since I got drunk therefore disappointed my father such a great deal he now refuses to have anything to do with me which is pleasant. My bad for getting drunk but it just adds to my long list of life experiences and also possibly future regrets. I don't have many regrets since I'm learning to process things a bit better which I am terrible but again it can't hurt to try. I wonder if today I'll actually be trying to get to sleep because I'm actually tired and rather not because I'm going through a tough time and can't process it. For the record suicidal thoughts or just feeling suicidal in general. Literally it's quite annoying when you hate the sound of your breathing when you actually can't help it and how you get up in the morning and wished you didn't or even go to sleep and not want to wake up. But hey ho I guess it's life. I'm not really sure how I can refer to it as that considering it's not enjoyable living it but I guess I kind of have to make do.

I'm actually getting tired but I don't want to go to sleep at this time since it's quite early for me and it's a Friday night. Me going to bed at this time is fairly sad. But I am actually quite tired so I might actually go to sleep or just go upstairs because I have nothing better to do.

Later.

Been a while.

So for a start, I tend not to talk to Adam anymore. I gave up and all I can say is thank god for that, Seriously me liking him just caused me so much shit, I should have given up at the start. But the main reason I gave up on him is because I found someone else. So who's the guy? Well it's not a guy, well it's a girl. I'm bisexual, I don't think I admitted this on here but yes now I'm pretty open about it. Me and her actually did go out, so she was my girlfriend ahh it was amazing. So what happened? Well basically we're having personal issues and agreed that trying to keep track of a relationship as well as personal stress wouldn't work. I'll just say her first name like Adam, her name is Crystal.

I've actually always loved that name. Crystal. I just loved it, every single time I wrote a story I wanted the main character to be called Crystal. I was addicted to the name. When I was younger I used to change my first name to my favourite names, and Crystal was one of them. I just love the name so much. It's beautiful, like her. Wow am I being cringy now? We aren't going out now but we are actually great friends, like seriously me, her, Brad, Tia, Chloe, Sam, Shania and Charlie usually go out like everyday. Well more just me, her, Brad, Tia and Chloe, it just depends on who can come out. I love them all they're amazing. I've probably mentioned Shania before, my best friend. I honestly couldn't ask for a better friend she's amazing!!! Have I mentioned Chanel? She is my other best friend, I haven't seen her much cause she doesn't go to my school and because I'm out with the rest after school. I honestly love going out with them, it's such a laugh. Apart from the drama, but we usually get around it depending on what it is. The amount of drama so far this week has actually surprised me, I never knew so much could happen in three days.

I have so far been late once, I blame my bed. It's actually amazing, well in the morning. At night I'm constantly shivering, I guess winters on it's way. This year I have actually paid no attention to Halloween. Usually I'd be making all these plans but I actually can't be assed. I guess I'll ask around, I'm not too old for it. I guess it's fun to collect sweets from strangers once a year. All that matters for me is the sweets.

I currently have £20. What to spend it on? It's not much I guess but it's still here. I might need it for the weekend considering Shania wants me to come with her to town.

I feel like I'm pushing my friends away but then again I have really bad time management. I'll make plans and forget about everything else. Seriously I have to sort this shit out!!! Sorry I'm a bit hyper and at the same time a bit bored. Aha I need to wash my hair so I have no idea what I'm doing because honestly I'm meant to be in the shower. Oh well I have until 10pm to go out and I'm not taking my chances thinking I'll be able to stay up after that because I'm usually always knackered which is why my homework is really bad at the moment. I'll sort it out after the holidays but I'll see what I can do between this week and next.

Later. 

It's all good.

I've been fairly lazy today, in school I was half asleep. I'm not proud and I know fully well I could have payed more attention but then again I continue to blame Adam. Yesterday he messaged me on kik around 10pm just before I planned to have a shower, 5 hours later I am still sitting on my bed wrapped in a towel messaging him. The latest I'm meant to stay up on a school night is 1:30am. So much for time management, but then again I was also to blame but I was being careless. I possibly may have learnt my lesson depending on whether or not he decides to message me.

I probably have a few homeworks waiting to be completed, again with time management I suck. I keep going out and not checking my organizer. I was so unorganized today I forgot my pencil case. I'm going try a get back on track but sometimes I forget that I need to grow up. I'm so paranoid I'm going to mess up in all of my subjects but I don't see why considering I have high targets but then again I wonder as to whether I will reach them.

I kind of still have a cold, not as bad. I guess I'm ignoring it like I am my leg which really hurts like hell. I'm not sure whether I mentioned about my leg but yep I have a bad leg and it's really annoying. My own fault but I seriously wasn't expecting this much trouble. I've been limping for the past week and now I actually can't be fucked so I force it upon myself to walk properly with the occasional limp.

Singing is going well for me, I have a performance thing next Saturday I think. I guess I can practice for it during singing lessons. I seem to be more interested in my personal life than my school life. I seriously need to turn that around, I just want to be more prepared not lazy. I guess I really can't help it since lazy is my nature. If school didn't exist my days would be short lived in my bed.

I need to straighten my hair since it's gone all curly but luckily today I got to have a shower. I can't be bothered to straighten it though, it takes from like 30-60 minutes. I haven't got time for it. Right now I'll probably check on homework, do it and then do my hair. Or the other way round in which I will do my hair but instead of doing homework I will fall asleep on my bed. Homework first, hair later.
Anyway have to go now, I'll update soon.
Later.

I have a cold :(

So far, it's been ok. I've been sad, crying, thinking but oh well I guess. I've been missing my dad, Feisali, Halima and mother. I miss them too much; now to the extent I can burst into tears throughout the middle of the day. I have a bad record of managing stress, usually I result in doing something that I will regret but sometimes I can think of them and how I'm going to see them on the weekend and stop myself. They are in Africa for another month. Apart from dad he's leaving Africa tomorrow. I'm so excited but at the same time I worried about what he'll say. Through out the time he was gone I ended up in hospital. Last time when he came back from Africa he claimed to be disappointed of me and it broke me down.  I don't want this year to be the same.

School has been great, I started my singing lessons today. So far no detention, no lateness and all homework. I'm proud. I'm struggling in some senses but most of it so far has been pretty straightforward. I'm supposed to be doing homework but I will do it, I'll have to bring it downstairs since there is something actually really interesting on TV. I know you shouldn't do your homework in front of the TV but then again as long as it gets done I wouldn't worry about it. Singing lessons were amazing, I'm not used to it it's kind of scary. I'm used to singing and warming up in a group or perhaps by myself in a room. Not on my own in front of someone. It was so straightforward, I was so scared that I was going to do something wrong but I felt fine. As usual I chickened out on the high notes but I don't push myself in front of people but then again I have to remember she's there to help. 

Have I mentioned I have a crush? Well for me it's fairly normal until it comes to that depressing side. You know? He'll never want me, I'm ugly, I don't deserve him etc. I shouldn't even be worrying about boys, not at 14 but it's all part of this wonderful generation.  Well I've had more than one, I wonder why he stands out the most, I fell for his personality, looks was a bonus, he's nice, he's funny, he's caring and he probably would never go out with me. How do people have types? Like what kind of types? Does he have a type? I haven't I just go with the flow and whoever catches my attention keeps my attention. I guess with this time it's him, I'm not announcing his name on the internet though. I guess he makes me feel happy but at the same time that whole thing just depresses me. I just can't see it, I can love him and meet up with him all I want but he wouldn't fall for me. I practically repel boys.

Tomorrow I have Performing Arts. I haven't even brought my homework down. I do have a while left to do it but taking chances isn't always the best way to go. Random fact: I love the taste of cough mixture.

I love writing, I get to chance the subject as many times as I want and no one complains. I seem to write like I talk accept my writing is slightly more accurate than talking. People don't like it when I change the subject but I can't help it after all it's in my nature.

Anyway going back to homework and TV shall update soon :P 

I'm back.

I apologise on behalf of my last post. I was in a bad place and decided to stop using this blog but why should I stop something for the sake of other people? I mean technically this is mine, no one else's why should I care what anyone else thinks? I guess back then I cared to much what everyone else thought, it hasn't been long since then but I have changed quite a lot. For a start I don't believe in stopping what I want to do for the sake of anyone else, if I want to do something I will do it regardless of whether or not they like it or not. I'm working for my future and writing in school and speak the truth only if I feel it's necessary. I'm occasionally honest but it usually depends on my mood and who I'm talking to. I usually just like decide at the moment someone asks me or beforehand. I'm in Year 10 now, I'm still with CAMHS actually working stuff out now, people have a better understanding of what it's like which I'm happy about.

I'm not better, but I'm getting there. I mean I can write and do work like a normal person. I wear my scars out and I don't give two about what anyone has to say. I'm more confident when it comes to speaking up and I'm just trying to be a better person in general. Well a better person when it comes to me having company and working towards my future. I'm the same, some bits I'm different and other bits I'm worse but oh well I guess. I'm still suicidal, I still self harm and I still have problems with my mental health. My body's a bit messed up all I have to do is learn to manage it. I can't cope with distress honestly it's horrible. Like seriously I can just look at a piece of homework stress about it but at the same time I have to be careful because I can't put up with the stress like it feels unbearable so I have to try and distract myself which is why last year I struggled to do homework since because I already couldn't write the whole idea of it just stressed me out so now I kind of have to deal with especially being in Year 10. There are so many more expectations and things I'm working for since I'm currently in bottom English and since I have a passion for writing I don't find it very acceptable but it's slightly fair due to the fact I hardly did any work last year but then again it isn't since I couldn't do any. Now in English I'm pushing myself to be moved up. I'm still in top maths and top languages. Now I just need to work hard in Performing Arts and Music my two options. I have a passion for music and I honestly can't live without it. Literally before I was a fan but didn't listen to it all the time but now I swear I hardly go without it. Every day I fall asleep to the radio, wake up to the radio, listen to it while I get ready, listen to music when I go to school, when I come home. I'm pretty much addicted. Not forgetting I sing, and I write and well music is now practically my life.

Anyway felt like a rant, now I'll just read through my past posts since I've only read the last one anyway I still have a lot left to say.
Later.