Second Thoughts...

I'm kind of having second thoughts about keeping this blog. It's kind of too personal I guess and if people find it I might be accused of seeking attention. I mean I guess people should say I have my own free will and can do what I wish with it and not have to worry about other people but I do.

See I can't do anything right, this would probably be used against me. I'm in a fairly sad mood I guess. I read the letter back from CAMHS it's fairly accurate but mistakes stick out like a sore thumb. For a start eating, it says, 'Leila reports that she usually eats breakfast and dinner each day but sometimes restricts her eating due to low self-esteem about her weight.' There is more but I'm not going to type that bit. The mistake is I don't I hate eating anyway. I don't eat breakfast and I try to avoid dinner. I'm constantly eating crap and I hate myself for it. I don't even know why but I'm going to exercise more anyway. Also another part, this isn't their fault but this is what came across to them, 'I have assessed the risk of further self harm to be high, but the risk of acts with suicidal intent to be low.' S.H is pretty much accurate, they honestly didn't think I was going to stop? Alternatives or none the real thing can't compare. I don't know my thoughts about self harm they're clouded over as well. I just know it can't compare. Suicidal intent, I've honestly been suicidal for the past week. Probably would've done something by now if it wasn't for mum locking away everything. So I guess it is right not accurate but right.

I don't know what to write now. Anyway I'm getting rid of this blog so yeah...

Long weekend ahead.

Because it's a bank holiday I have 3 days off school. Usually I'd be celebrating but doesn't help when you're feeling shitty. Not because of school for once in my life. Actually for personal issues, really personal so not going into them. I'm crying though but doesn't really matter. This is to share how I feel cause I need to let it out not because I care. Well the place where I share everything is my diary but that's for me.

I've got nothing much to write about today. I met my new maths teacher he's ok just he struggles controlling my class meaning it was much more enjoyable not being able to do work. Actually today was worse. I couldn't actually get my iPad out my bag. I'm going have a shower today and wash my crazy hair. It might go curly again, right now it's not to bad and I haven't straightened it for once.

Counselling was fine. Like I said I don't have much to say for once. Probably cause evil lady wasn't in.

Mum knows about why I may be feeling rubbish but she doesn't know what I'm doing now. I'm kind of willing to stay in my room for a while, well as it lasts. Since I have to go out tomorrow. It isn't optional. It'd be good for me anyway. I need a bit of singing to get me back to my little happy mind set.

I have tons of homework today but it's work and well risky. Why is everything so much more company. Like other people, homework they do it and get over it. But I can't. I'm not stupid, honestly I'm not I love being a smartie pants but kind of sucks when I can't show it.

Anyway going to just listen to music and sulk to myself I guess.

Really?

As you probably know this week has been fairly shitty. Today has been slightly predictable. Only slightly. I went to school and of course couldn't any work. It was taking the piss. I have actually had enough of it all but what can I change? Mrs Johnson A.K.A evil lady seemed to make the day a whole lot better. Made me use iPad but I couldn't and guess what? I started to kick off in her room so she got to see me scratching at my hands and face. Trying to catch me out to see if I was just acting but I wasn't. I was scratching until my skin was sore and only at the start did she seem to care but I think I was forgetting who I was talking to. All she cared about was the fact that her shitty laptop wasn't working and she was getting mad because of it. She asked me what I wanted to make it stop I told her straight. She sent me back to tutor from my perspective she didn't really care. Convinced in her sick mind that I was still making things up even though I never have. Then has the cheek to lie about it after I'm gone. She never says things to my face about what she thinks but then neither do I. I have a feeling she's looking for a reason to kick me out of school. I think now she might have one. But who's fault is that? Kind of hers for the cause but then mine for blabbing. Well I had to sort myself out I was mess so I did. Thought it was smart to give Mrs an update at the end of school and I told her what I did just so she knew. Just because I thought it'd be helpful. No. Never again. For a start she started questioning me: What did you do with it? Where did you get it? Where is it now? Then says that I could get arrested for having a sharp item. So it's not like other teenagers have as well then. She said because I do I either have to give it to her or she'd call the police. What the fuck? The police over a fucking piece of metal that she probably just wants to use to accuse me of more made up bullshit. Ok so I threw it in the bin, she fishes it out and holds it up. I had to look the other way because right there and then so many thoughts and possibilities came into my head. She then put hers arm around. For a start, what the fuck? Ok so you took away the only possible thing that helps me. The only thing that has actually worked in calming me down in school. And you take it away from me. What is wrong with her? Who the fuck does she think she is? What am I going to do? I'm not going to let myself kick off in school even if I have to fucking rip out my veins.

Excuse my mouthy language but you can probably tell I'm not at the top of the world. I'm typing now because I need to let my feelings out and I don't really mind if the whole world can read this. I'm being honest and I'm not a lier.

I've had enough of it all. People not believing me and some people even having second thoughts. I don't tell different stories each time just I have different ways of telling people things. All my stories that I tell link into each other. And maybe at the worst I can't even think straight so maybe when I'm a little more sane I can explain more and details may seem to change. But I don't bullshit. What's the point in it? Why would you lie?Sooner or later the truth will come out no matter how well you try to hide it. So why the fuck would you lie about it? Or even make up a massive problem.

Yes I'm typing now. Big mistake. Because I haven't got what I need apart from something else which will tempt me to stab myself. That's it what the fuck? I haven't done anything wrong I'm just trying everything I can doing what I guess is right but it's always wrong. I'm on the brink of tears not that I care to be honest but when I write I will say everything on my mind.

Anyway doesn't matter. Tomorrow's another and luckily evil lady isn't going to be in it. Triple maths and double PDC. Tomorrow is going to be fun...