Hey,
I was supposed to post earlier but I got distracted. How am I feeling now? Well at 1:09am in the morning I'm pissed off but not entirely sure why. I had a laugh at least, a short two second laugh that ended as soon as it started. Well at least I was distracted, I was watching That Awkward Moment. It's an alright film I guess. Yesterday was alright. I like Spanish and enjoy Science through messing around. Went to see the school nurse it was fine I guess. Walked home with my best friend Shania, went to the shop bought typical junk, ate it then well went home.
Today mum went to Portishead. But that's basically all I know. I just haven't been assed today. Yesterday morning I swear I almost fell asleep despite the fact I actually liked the lesson. I do like Spanish, I was even considering it for my options but its only really the teacher that makes it worth while. In Yr 8 I wasn't his biggest fan but he taught Geography and well me and homework are a bad combination, still to this day. So I thought him teaching me Spanish would be another year of dread and misery about a simple subject but no I was wrong. From the first lesson I was hooked, it was interesting and it was just amazing how much he could teach us in the matter of two hours. I swear I know way more in Spanish than I do German but then in Spanish I actually enjoy paying attention. It's a lesson where I enjoy learning I guess. Science, I can see an incoming fail for that. I put no effort into my work, I have nothing better to do than fuck around and that's basically it. I know nothing about Science and I think I may be the dumbest person in the class. I am in top Science, how that happened I don't know but I am. Perhaps I do need to focus more but I just get easily distracted but not all the time.
I was on FaceTime to Shania earlier, a thought of the evil lady and I basically was kicking off. Like most times I sorted it but dressing in the morning won't be pleasant. I feel like crying for some reason. Shania is convinced something is up but I just deny it. There maybe is but I just can't even talk to her anymore because I'll put myself down. I was doing it before the evil lady got involved. Moaning saying I'm a rubbish friend and criticizing myself. I don't care but thing is now she's getting involved and trying to fuck up our friendship. So maybe I'm refusing to be open but I honestly don't know what I'd do without Shania. Change subject, only because I'm thinking about self hatred and stuff not Shania.
Been going on Omegle a lot, if your lucky you get decent conversations but very rarely. Anyway I feel shitty.
I'm not tired. But holy shit when I get up I'll be crying I don't want to go to school. Well my school specifically.
I'm not taking the piss but I actually avoid homework to avoid stress. Ok so I still get stressed out but not about homework. See I know it's unfair to other pupils but thing is I have no idea why and it's pathetic but its a trigger. The thought just makes my blood boil and brings back that familiar feeling. Or just heightens its affect since it's always there.
I'm sorry I just hate this. Ok so I don't give a shit about me but that doesn't mean I'm going to put up with all this for the rest of my life. Failed suicide attempts just make me feel like a failure. I just don't know. If hell is real I'm pretty sure by now I have a one way ticket. I just want peace. But there is none just a constant cycle over and over and I have had enough.
"You don't want to kill yourself."
"Trust me, I do." I always say.
"You don't mean that, think of your future and what's to come."
Future. Ok maybe when I was younger the chances of me getting my dream future were high but now. Ok so I can sing, write, read maybe but really with my mind and feelings in the way what kind of future am I going to have? It's not just depression or self harm. I can't write. I tried to write on a blank CD in my room yesterday and it was important but no obviously not. Tech workshop, big no. I avoid Mrs Johnson now. I don't do any work at all when I feel the way I usually do. There is no help, maybe hope if I wasn't so fucked up but I am. I don't want to work through the help because it's going to take forever. Even if I stop self harming its not like it was never there it's still going to haunt me maybe even the thoughts will stay. I don't want them hypnotized out of me that's just stupid. I want to sort things out myself.
Anyway I'm going to kick off again,
I'm going to attempt to sleep and if something happens I'll just do it all again and again and again as nothings changes.
I was supposed to post earlier but I got distracted. How am I feeling now? Well at 1:09am in the morning I'm pissed off but not entirely sure why. I had a laugh at least, a short two second laugh that ended as soon as it started. Well at least I was distracted, I was watching That Awkward Moment. It's an alright film I guess. Yesterday was alright. I like Spanish and enjoy Science through messing around. Went to see the school nurse it was fine I guess. Walked home with my best friend Shania, went to the shop bought typical junk, ate it then well went home.
Today mum went to Portishead. But that's basically all I know. I just haven't been assed today. Yesterday morning I swear I almost fell asleep despite the fact I actually liked the lesson. I do like Spanish, I was even considering it for my options but its only really the teacher that makes it worth while. In Yr 8 I wasn't his biggest fan but he taught Geography and well me and homework are a bad combination, still to this day. So I thought him teaching me Spanish would be another year of dread and misery about a simple subject but no I was wrong. From the first lesson I was hooked, it was interesting and it was just amazing how much he could teach us in the matter of two hours. I swear I know way more in Spanish than I do German but then in Spanish I actually enjoy paying attention. It's a lesson where I enjoy learning I guess. Science, I can see an incoming fail for that. I put no effort into my work, I have nothing better to do than fuck around and that's basically it. I know nothing about Science and I think I may be the dumbest person in the class. I am in top Science, how that happened I don't know but I am. Perhaps I do need to focus more but I just get easily distracted but not all the time.
I was on FaceTime to Shania earlier, a thought of the evil lady and I basically was kicking off. Like most times I sorted it but dressing in the morning won't be pleasant. I feel like crying for some reason. Shania is convinced something is up but I just deny it. There maybe is but I just can't even talk to her anymore because I'll put myself down. I was doing it before the evil lady got involved. Moaning saying I'm a rubbish friend and criticizing myself. I don't care but thing is now she's getting involved and trying to fuck up our friendship. So maybe I'm refusing to be open but I honestly don't know what I'd do without Shania. Change subject, only because I'm thinking about self hatred and stuff not Shania.
Been going on Omegle a lot, if your lucky you get decent conversations but very rarely. Anyway I feel shitty.
I'm not tired. But holy shit when I get up I'll be crying I don't want to go to school. Well my school specifically.
I'm not taking the piss but I actually avoid homework to avoid stress. Ok so I still get stressed out but not about homework. See I know it's unfair to other pupils but thing is I have no idea why and it's pathetic but its a trigger. The thought just makes my blood boil and brings back that familiar feeling. Or just heightens its affect since it's always there.
I'm sorry I just hate this. Ok so I don't give a shit about me but that doesn't mean I'm going to put up with all this for the rest of my life. Failed suicide attempts just make me feel like a failure. I just don't know. If hell is real I'm pretty sure by now I have a one way ticket. I just want peace. But there is none just a constant cycle over and over and I have had enough.
"You don't want to kill yourself."
"Trust me, I do." I always say.
"You don't mean that, think of your future and what's to come."
Future. Ok maybe when I was younger the chances of me getting my dream future were high but now. Ok so I can sing, write, read maybe but really with my mind and feelings in the way what kind of future am I going to have? It's not just depression or self harm. I can't write. I tried to write on a blank CD in my room yesterday and it was important but no obviously not. Tech workshop, big no. I avoid Mrs Johnson now. I don't do any work at all when I feel the way I usually do. There is no help, maybe hope if I wasn't so fucked up but I am. I don't want to work through the help because it's going to take forever. Even if I stop self harming its not like it was never there it's still going to haunt me maybe even the thoughts will stay. I don't want them hypnotized out of me that's just stupid. I want to sort things out myself.
Anyway I'm going to kick off again,
I'm going to attempt to sleep and if something happens I'll just do it all again and again and again as nothings changes.
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